Procrastination and Anxiety

 

Sometimes we simply need reminders like this one to help us through our days.

My mom gave this blanket to me for Christmas, and I love it! Sometimes I just need a big hug from my mom! Lately I have been procrastinating in scheduling the follow up doctor appointments that I need this winter / spring. I was feeling so good through Christmas and into January, that I was allowing myself to forget the difficulties I faced last year. This was very healing and positive for me, until a phone call one day recently reminded me it was time to begin the appointment train again. I chose not to schedule that appointment that day, but received another call a few days later encouraging me to get this one scheduled. That led to the list of upcoming appointments and tests that I will encounter over the coming months. 

I do not want to admit it, but in the past few weeks I started to get an unsettled feeling and have definitely had moments of anxiety try to steal my joy. I have had many moments of doubt, frustration and sadness, recalling my story and what led to my diagnosis of cancer. As tears stream down my cheeks while I write this, I know it is healing to share my raw emotions. My kids are all in school and Darek is at work, and I sit here for what feels like the first time since March, alone, processing my emotions. I want to do and be all that God has called me to be, but then I let fear and doubt whisper lies to my soul. I long to be a wife worthy of Darek's love and affection, but I fall short in so many ways. I yearn for my kids to know Jesus and know that I am trying to show them His love through my actions and behavior, but I fall short so many times. I try not to be angry about my diagnosis, but if I'm being completely honest, I am! At least right now I am. Yet, through all of this, I am not looking for sympathy. Just a listening ear. 

The appointment I had this week was quick and the results were clear and positive, so there was nothing to fear. It was a pelvic ultrasound, to confirm that my ovarian cyst was gone and that everything else looked good. (I learned a lot about myself through secondary findings from my previous CT scans). I have a lab draw tomorrow, and a follow up to discuss those results next week. Then, we will schedule the CT and the 1 year colonoscopy / upper endoscopy. That is the big one I am not looking forward to. I think of the silly things like, how am I going to take the prep since I can't even drink Gatorade? I'll have to take it with water, and I am sure I'll be fine, but it made me throw up last time and I don't want to go through that again. I already have enough trouble trying to gain weight without the added benefit of colonoscopy prep. Gross! Additionally, I do not want to go to my surgeon's office. The thought of walking into that building makes me uncomfortable. The memories surrounding those appointments are not memories I really want to re-live, not to mention I don't like driving into that part of Minneapolis alone.

Through all of this, I am grateful for my village. They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I believe it takes a village to survive. I love my village of people. I am SO thankful for your prayers and support. Your kind words and affirmations keep me believing in what I already know to be true. Despite my greatest efforts, I know that I must rely on God to be my source of strength, and He uses the people in my village to be that strength for me when I'm weak. A friend of mine reminded me the other day that "Faith is expecting God to move and Fear (anxiety) is expecting the devil to move." Well, move over devil! My God is greater! Jesus is the name about every other name and I will stand on that truth.

My next post will certainly be more uplifting, and I expect to have good news to share. Valentine's Day is coming. 

If your mom is near, hug her! Hug your parents! Hug your children! Hug your spouse! Hug a friend! 

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let them be afraid."

Until next time,

~Steph